Chevy Volt

Hello again, readers!

I apologize for taking a month and a half away from a blog that I’d only recently started, but I suffered (among other injuries) a broken clavicle in late May. I’ve only regained the ability to start typing with two hands in the past two weeks or so, and recovery is an excruciatingly slow process. That said, I believe I’m healthy enough to continue my one-man war against the advertisement industry, and I’ll continue to throw 5-6 punches their way per week.

Today’s offender is Chevrolet, with what has to be the 15th (or higher!) commercial that they’ve spewed out about the Chevy Volt, their flagship vehicle in hybrid technology. In fact, don’t let me tell you how fuel-efficient a Chevy Volt is–listen to these happy Volt owners (who moonlight as paid actors) in the commerical above!

Now, this ad starts up only being mildly unpleasant. The bird-whistle song is obnoxious, but Patrick (Berkeley, CA) tells us he only fuels up once every three months or so! You know, since he can walk down the street to his job at Family Fare. But ye be warned–things quickly devolve from here.

I want to punch Nathan (Brooklyn, NY) in his trendy little face. He’s out doing errands (such as picking up that scarf from his local ReThreads), and yet he literally NEVER has to get gasoline in the city. New York City, mind you. With 468 square miles of full-on gridlock traffic. Mmhmm.

Next we’ve got Robert (Seal Beach, CA). To whom is he speaking? Whoever it is, Robert’s bragging about only having to fuel up thrice after driving 11,000 miles. Now, the Chevy Volt has, approximately, a 9.3 U.S. gallon gas tank, and if you run the math, that works out to ol’ Bob here getting over 394 miles per gallon. Even though most Volts are proven to get about a quarter of that.

Priya (Los Angeles, CA) doesn’t have to use gas, ever, and Noble (Alexandria, VA) doesn’t spend money on gasoline. Adam (Los Angeles, CA) doesn’t put gas in his Chevy Volt. Danny (Whittier, CA) takes about 7-8 weeks to burn through his gasoline (this is the only scenario that seems likely in this entire commercial), and Chevy just keeps shoving these quick little anecdotes down your throat in the hopes of tricking your cerebrum into some form of groupthink.

But it’s this last little snob that really irks me. Elissa (Westland, MI) claims that she fuels up so irregularly that she forgets how to put gas in her vehicle. You know, the process that she’s been doing for 30 to 40 years now before starting to drive her Volt. Besides, how can somebody forget how to operate a gas pump? It’s like forgetting how to plug something into a wall outlet!

The point I’m trying to make here, Chevy executives, is that while I understand the concept of chatting up your product, consumers aren’t as stupid as you apparently assume. When I saw this ad for the first time while waiting in the doctor’s office, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that I was not the only person who audibly scoffed at the audaciousness of such an assertion. People are wising up to your lies, Chevy.

Frustration Index Meter: 7/10

 

HTC One X

Austin’s a Pre-Med student. A Pre-Med student blogging at one post per 24 hours. He’s uploading a video, and trying to create the perfect post at the same time. And he’s doing all of this–at the laundromat.

Much like the act of skydiving itself, this commercial is a horrifying event that’s over quickly. Your senses are flooded with sharp terror, and then it’s suddenly over before you’ve had time to rationalize it. I will give the execs at HTC one compliment–they recognized this flaw. I will follow it up with an insult–they’ve resorted to cramming it down people’s throats several times a day. There’s a fine line between playing an ad often enough to be seen and to the point of annoyance, and if you have to rely on the latter, then you’ve already failed to make an ad that’s memorable for the right reasons.

This spot is memorable (for me, at least) for several of the wrong reasons. Right away, I find this song annoying. Wait, let me rephrase that. I found it interesting the first time I heard it, but after the 50th time I now find it annoying. So there’s strike one.

In an (exceedingly feeble) attempt to appeal to a youthful demographic, HTC chose to use this photography student named Nick as the subject. It’s his first fashion shoot, apparently. This begs the question, why would any serious student of photography consent to a fashion shoot using a cameraphone? Doesn’t Nick own any professional equipment? You know…like a real camera? With lenses? And scopes? And…film? I guess not. I guess he’s muddling through photography school using a cameraphone. So there’s strike two.

Finally, this device comes recommended to you–the consumer–by none other than Nick Jojola. A 20-year-old photography student. Well, great. Let me make this perfectly clear–I’m a student, and even I could care less about the endorsement that a student could make about any product that doesn’t directly relate to going to school. Being a Pre-Med student, this is the equivalent of Advil, recommended by Austin. Who cares? So there’s strike three. Get out of here, HTC.

Frustration Index Meter: 6/10.

(And in case you feel like any of my “strikes” are more like “foul balls”, let me give you one more reason this concept sucks: It’s. Played. Out.)

 

Pepsi: King’s Court

What. A. Mess.

I haven’t been subjected to this unique strain of awful in several months–I think, miraculously, somebody in the industry had the good sense to realize how truly bad it was and send it to the scrap heap–but that said, I still cringe when I look at this.

This is a perfect example to show how a commercial can quickly spiral from “bad” to “worst thing ever” throughout the creative process. The slogan at the end of this commercal reads “Where there’s Pepsi, there’s music.” While the problems with that assertion are obvious, most of them stem from the fact that Pepsi and music are mutually exclusive. It’s too abstract of a selling point for what should be the insanely easy task of promoting the 3rd-best selling soda in the U.S. (behind Coke and Diet Coke). Somebody should have stepped in and said “Hey, why don’t we just emphasize that soda is refreshing when you’re thirsty?” They could have done one of those commercials where the plucky 20-something is walking down the street, and every sip of Pepsi makes her world explode with color or makes good things happen around her. You know, since Pepsi’s number-one target market is young people.

But instead, they decided to go with the whole “lip-synching singers in a king’s darkened court” approach. I’ve only had one marketing-related class in college, so I’m not an “expert” necessarily. But just re-reading that premise causes me to have a gut reaction to its inherent stupidity.

The Stupid Train doesn’t stop there. They got Sir Elton John to be the king, and the costume is just awful. The cheesiest king getup, like something you would rent at a costume shop for a school play. To ruin it even further, they had him wear gaudy blue glasses, as though we wouldn’t recognize him without some crazy shades on, or maybe it was to match the Pepsi–either way, it just made it look even worse.

Then there’s some dweeb making our ears bleed on purpose doing a Nelly cover. What the makers of this TV spot failed to recognize is that they’ve associated “pain in my earlobes” with “Pepsi” in my subconscious mind. Hey, Pepsi marketing team! You’re doing it wrong! Apparently the girl lip-synching an Aretha Franklin remix won The X Factor, so why not just let her sing for real? Or just have her be the star and promote Pepsi by herself, if she’s that talented? I guess they thought this would all be funny, but it’s funny in a bad way, like watching somebody else fail miserably, over and over again.

At the end of the day, though, she liberates the Pepsi and de-thrones the king (or queen, as it were). Good for her. They flash the (stupid) slogan, and you think that this (stupid) commercial will finally be over. But for some (stupid) reason, they decide to kick you one last time by throwing Flava Flav in right at the end. No, boy. No.

What. A. Mess.

Frustration Index Meter: 10

Edge Shave Gel

I apologize about the quality of this video. I also apologize about the quality of this commercial.

As the title of this clip so succinctly points out, the creators of this commercial clearly–clearly!–saw the wildly successful and certifiably awesome Old Spice commercials that featured the guy who prefaced every ad with “Hel-lo ladies…” You know, this guy:

Now, it’s one thing to seize upon a successful idea and repeat it until it simply doesn’t work any longer. For instance, the Progressive commercials featuring Flo annoy me to death, but you’ll never find them featured here because, despite themselves, they work. The second you see Flo, you think “Progressive”, which is high praise for a commercial.

That said, it’s important to come up with your own successful idea, and not simply use the blueprint that another product’s team came up with. Even if Edge would have executed this commercial well, the fact that it came so quickly after Old Spice Guy would have forever put it in Old Spice’s shadow. Which means, of course, that the viewer is subconsciously thinking about Old Spice at the end of this ad instead of Edge–a clear failure on Edge’s part.

You’ll note that I said “if” Edge had made this well. This is because they did not. There’s a ton of little things that bothered me about it. This guy is supposed to be utterly masculine (to rival/rip off the Old Spice Guy), but within 30 seconds he:

• Kicked a football like a 6-year-old
• Totally eyed up that other guy shaving
• Apparently was unable to slide down a pole, since they cut away before he slid and back in as he hopped down 6 inches to land.
• Held Edge shaving gel in a leather armchair as though it were a wine glass he were about to drink. What’s that all about?

Also, I think he looks mildly effeminate, sort of like the guy who plays The Scarecrow in Batman Begins. Maybe he should have had some manly morning stubble to shave off? Since that’s what they’re advertising.

Frustration Index Meter: 6/10

Dr. Pepper Ten

Hoo boy. Where to even begin with this one?

First of all, I will have you know that this was the commercial that set the wheels a-turnin’ for this particular blog. As soon as I saw it for the first time, I experienced equal parts of revulsion, confusion, and utter disappointment. As of the time of this writing, 1.73 times more people have disliked this clip than liked it on Youtube, so I’m clearly not alone in my discontempt.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: this commercial is blatantly sexist. You’ll note that I chose not to say “sexist towards women”, because as a man, I find this stereotype to be fairly degrading. I appreciate mindless action films as much as the next guy, but to suggest that it’s exclusively a male genre is bordering on farcical. Just because I’m a male doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of the attention span needed to enjoy an engrossing drama, nor does somebody being female mean they can’t enjoy explosions. Frankly, I’m sure there are tens of thousands of women who enjoyed 300 more than I did. I’m aware of the fact that the demographics of action movies and rom-coms differ, but I think it’s a little much to suggest that an entire gender cannot possibly enjoy something.

This leads me to my larger point–why on Earth would Dr. Pepper make a conscious decision to alienate fifty percent of their target market with this commercial? According to Captain Catch Phrase, Dr. Pepper Ten is a man’s beverage, and is specifically “not for women”. Why not? This isn’t an advertisement for Viagra or Norelco–it’s an advertisement for soda. Soda–especially name-brand soda–is gender-neutral, and I would challenge anybody to disprove that claim. If anything, I would bet that the consumer demographics for various diet sodas trend toward women. So again, why on Earth would the powers-that-be at Dr. Pepper decide to brush aside potential consumers? I’m amazed that this commercial passed through the hands of hundreds of professionals without being vetoed.

Frustration Index Meter: 10/10

A Brief Message

Frankly, I don’t watch very much television. If you end up following this blog, you’ll find that rather hard to believe.

The fact is, although I only spend 5 or 6 hours a week watching programmed TV, I’ve found that I am inundated with dozens of truly awful advertisements. There’s no escaping them, and there seems to be no end to them, either. I’ll walk past a TV somebody else is watching and overhear some inane Capri Sun advert that makes no sense. I’ll innocently try to listen to a song via Youtube, and BAM!, I’m stricken by one of the endless number of commercials for electronic devices that feature a slightly upbeat song in the background (see also: all Apple products). Radio, the bussing system–even cereal boxes fall victim to advertising movie sequels nobody wants to see.

As much as I detest them, I find myself less annoyed and more amazed when I witness the byproducts of the advertisement industry. I’m continually astounded that, despite hundreds of thousands of dollars and hundreds of man-hours, whatever commercial I’m stuck watching sucks. It’s a rare thing to see an advertisement that makes me want to buy the product it represents–heck, it’s fairly common that I can’t even remember what was being advertised. I can only assume the people who dreamt up these commercials went to school for marketing, and yet they seem not to know better. Time and time again, commercials fall prey to amateur mistakes, plain bad judgement, or poor taste.

I can no longer suffer in silence. The results–and to a large degree, the effort–of the advertisement industry can no longer go unpunished. I have an obligation to the rest of humankind to call these people out on their lack of both creativity and common sense. People must be told, and for my own sanity, I must be the one to tell them.

Thankfully, the advertisement industry will continue to crank out horrible commercials faster than I can write about them, so I will never be short of material.

-Austin