Ford F-150–A whole slew of ads featuring REALLY BIG WORDS.

Now, admittedly, this commercial by itself isn’t quite enough to send me into a fit of apoplectic rage. However, it helps to think of these Ford F-150 ads as gnats–if there were just one, it would be a minor nuisance. But when there’s a whole. bunch. of. them. everywhere. you. look, well…it can drive a person mad.

No matter how hard I try to avoid them, these stupid F-150 commercials just swarm up around me and assault my senses. I walk into Buffalo Wild Wings, BAM FORD F-150 COMMERCIAL. I try and listen to music on YouTube, BAM FORD F-150 COMMERCIAL. I’m in a waiting room with a television in it and BAM FORD F-150 COMMERCIAL. There’s just no end to it–it’s like the commercial equivalent of having the hiccups for several hours. Except in this instance, it’s been going on for several years.

With their gigantic, blow-up words and cutting to a new shot every 1.5 seconds, Ford is very obviously trying to market to the lowest common denominator in terms of intelligence (or at the very least, in terms of attention span). While I understand that a large sector of their consumer base works in fields that require manual labor, that doesn’t automatically make them stupid. In fact, what’s to stop a doctor, engineer, teacher, or any person from driving a Ford pickup? The answer is that Ford themselves would be responsible for stopping them from buying their product.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to appeal to a specific target market, but you should never do so at the risk of alienating other potential consumers. The message that my subconscious picks up from these ads is that I would probably be only be interested in buying a Ford F-150 if I were a Neanderthal or some kind of ape-man. It’s insulting to my intelligence–I’m paying attention to your commercial, you don’t have to inundate me with gigantic words for every single line of dialogue. In fact, it’s insulting to my masculinity as well–it perpetuates the stereotype that men are unthinking automatons who respond best to grunting and pointing. Men can be eloquent too, darn it.

Besides which, some of the lines in these spots hover somewhere between dumb-sounding and utter nonsense. “A bunch of doughnut-eaters”? What does that even mean? And seriously, why would the kid have been thinking about pizza (of all things!) during science class? Unless maybe it was before lunch, but even still, why wouldn’t they have gone with “video games” or “the cute girl on the left” or “the weekend”? Don’t even get me started on their thought process behind a boat becoming unhinged from behind a truck, speeding up to it, and then actually surpassing it. I guess the advertising executives at Ford weren’t lying when they said they didn’t pay attention in science class.

In a year (or possibly two), I’ll be shopping for a new car. I wouldn’t have been diametrically opposed to purchasing a Ford F-150, but I sure am now.

Frustration Index Meter: 7/10

Chevy Volt

Hello again, readers!

I apologize for taking a month and a half away from a blog that I’d only recently started, but I suffered (among other injuries) a broken clavicle in late May. I’ve only regained the ability to start typing with two hands in the past two weeks or so, and recovery is an excruciatingly slow process. That said, I believe I’m healthy enough to continue my one-man war against the advertisement industry, and I’ll continue to throw 5-6 punches their way per week.

Today’s offender is Chevrolet, with what has to be the 15th (or higher!) commercial that they’ve spewed out about the Chevy Volt, their flagship vehicle in hybrid technology. In fact, don’t let me tell you how fuel-efficient a Chevy Volt is–listen to these happy Volt owners (who moonlight as paid actors) in the commerical above!

Now, this ad starts up only being mildly unpleasant. The bird-whistle song is obnoxious, but Patrick (Berkeley, CA) tells us he only fuels up once every three months or so! You know, since he can walk down the street to his job at Family Fare. But ye be warned–things quickly devolve from here.

I want to punch Nathan (Brooklyn, NY) in his trendy little face. He’s out doing errands (such as picking up that scarf from his local ReThreads), and yet he literally NEVER has to get gasoline in the city. New York City, mind you. With 468 square miles of full-on gridlock traffic. Mmhmm.

Next we’ve got Robert (Seal Beach, CA). To whom is he speaking? Whoever it is, Robert’s bragging about only having to fuel up thrice after driving 11,000 miles. Now, the Chevy Volt has, approximately, a 9.3 U.S. gallon gas tank, and if you run the math, that works out to ol’ Bob here getting over 394 miles per gallon. Even though most Volts are proven to get about a quarter of that.

Priya (Los Angeles, CA) doesn’t have to use gas, ever, and Noble (Alexandria, VA) doesn’t spend money on gasoline. Adam (Los Angeles, CA) doesn’t put gas in his Chevy Volt. Danny (Whittier, CA) takes about 7-8 weeks to burn through his gasoline (this is the only scenario that seems likely in this entire commercial), and Chevy just keeps shoving these quick little anecdotes down your throat in the hopes of tricking your cerebrum into some form of groupthink.

But it’s this last little snob that really irks me. Elissa (Westland, MI) claims that she fuels up so irregularly that she forgets how to put gas in her vehicle. You know, the process that she’s been doing for 30 to 40 years now before starting to drive her Volt. Besides, how can somebody forget how to operate a gas pump? It’s like forgetting how to plug something into a wall outlet!

The point I’m trying to make here, Chevy executives, is that while I understand the concept of chatting up your product, consumers aren’t as stupid as you apparently assume. When I saw this ad for the first time while waiting in the doctor’s office, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that I was not the only person who audibly scoffed at the audaciousness of such an assertion. People are wising up to your lies, Chevy.

Frustration Index Meter: 7/10